According to research by The Department Of Transportation, almost 6000 people were killed in car accidents last year that involved distracted driving.  It doesn’t specifically cite texting so distracting could mean anything.  You may have spilled that hot coffee you were brewing in your passenger seat next to the laptop you were using to tweet the fact you were brewing this sweet free trade forest nut blend while sitting in the horrendous traffic on the Mass Pike.  Or you may have been getting a blow job…while checking your Facebook page on your iPhone.  Or you were shaving your chest and applying Preperation H to your abs so you could look like a total douche bag at the club. 

There are a million things we do while driving.  Now there is a million and one.  We are now going to try to hide the fact that we are texting behind the wheel so we don’t get a $100-$500 ticket and lose our license.  We’ll hold it down low like an open container, or up near the dash vent to look more natural.  We’ll also be looking around for cops while we are hiding our texting.  So I guess that’s a million and two things. 

No doubt texting and driving is dangerous.  I don’t do it because I like to live and don’t want my insurance to go up anymore.  I equate it to drunk driving.  Knowingly putting my fellow citizens in harms way so I can let my friends know I’m in the car and bored.  Texting is like an addiction.  People just can’t put their phones down.  I see couples in bars and restaurants sitting next to each other texting.  I don’t know if they’re texting each other or letting people know how poorly or swimmingly the date is going.  Our web guy admits to texting his girlfriend while sitting on the couch watching TV…next to her.  So, I’m all for a law to ban it while operating a vehicle.  The last way I want to die is to hit a car head on that just rolled over the guardrail because the driver was responding to a text that said, “Hey, What up?:)”.  We just have to expect a spike in road fatalities for the first few years.

I think the law should be amended to make teen drivers wear NFL regulation helmets while driving.  Sure, it impairs their vision but not that much.  Plus, they can’t talk on the phone.  But they will try to text just like they will eventually have sex and get their horny little hands on schnapps and pills no matter how hard parents try to prevent it.  The helmet will give them that little bit of extra protection.  They can also adorn it with the team logos or other hip designs of their choice. 

I would also like an amendment that states any person found to be holding up the drive through line at a Dunkin Donuts because they are texting will have his hands cut off.  They will also be forced to drink nothing but decaf for no less than 10 years.  That last part won’t matter because they won’t have hands to hold a cup or their god damned cell phone.

Enforcing this law should also be interesting to watch.  It’s wide open for abuse.  Nothing is stopping the police from caliming you were texting.  If I say I was masturbating would it get me off? ….bad choice of words.

This new law gave me a great idea though: NASCAR Texting Circuit.  Yes, driving up to 200 mph while texting at Daytona would be thrilling to watch.

Some may say I’m being cynical but I prefer the term cautiously realistic.  So, I’ll see you out on the roads, but you probably won’t see me because you’ll be texting with your phone hidden under the GPS and DVD player.