Let me first say, I am not a fan of Justin Beiber.  I’m not going to say “he sucks” because he is obviously very good at what he does and works very hard at it with great success.  Sure, it’s weird that 30-40 year old women think he’s hot.  But these are also the same women who are obsessed with Vampire 90210 stuff like the “Twilight” movies because their mid-life crisis has moved beyond feeling nostalgic about high school into entertaining thoughts of trolling the local food court for a kid with the same haircut as Robert Pattinson. 

Justin Beiber is continuing the tradition of Teen-Idols like The New Kids On The Block, David Cassidy, Donnie Osmond, and Ricky Nelson(father of Hair Band Idols Nelson).  That’s great! He will either blossom into a musical genius like Billy Mumy or a hot schizophrenic mess like Brittany Spears.  Even though Beiber has a few big hits none have grabbed me like “MMMBop” by Hanson. 

But the folks at Gawker have taken Beiber’s latest hit “U Smile” and slowed it down 800%.  It’s a total mind massage.  When played at this Glacier slow pace it becomes a  mammoth aural landscape.  The kind of music Vikings would play while burying their dead comrades.  It’s the music you would hear when The Lady Of The Lake hands you Excalibur.  It’s the music you hear in those first few seconds when your space helmet accidentally pops off during a space walk.  It was the music playing during the formation of the Galaxy.  Gawker writer Max Read has stretched this Jolly Rancher of a song into a 30 minute long pour of warm molasses.

As I sit and listen to it(sober), it hit me that this is actually the way it sounds to Beiber.  I believe he is an some Cosmic being whose giant energy mass like form is disguised in a cutsey teen shell.  His speech is actually sped up so humans can easily digest some kind of subliminal messages.  He or it, is sonically molding the minds of Tweens, Teenagers, and Lonely Women.  I’m not sure what the results will be, but as I listen to the slowed version below, I can feel the layers of sound slowly tearing away at the spot Katy Perry and Hannah Montana started working on earlier.  I welcome the Alien visitors with open arms…as long as they keep sending a steady stream of these slabs of sound to my mind.  I’m going to slow down some Taylor Swift and take some Halcyon.

J. BIEBZ – U SMILE 800% SLOWER by Shamantis

Here’s the Original version for your puny human minds: