There I was with several bottles of fine American Craft Brew(and one bottle of Warsteiner) but no bottle opener.  It’s an embarrassing and desperate situation.  Especially if you’re in line at the Registry and you’ve already paid your 5 bucks to deal with state workers ready to snap.  That’s when the MacGyver in me went into action.  Looking around, I found a pen, paper, a small empty plastic bag, a baby, and two cans of Bush’s baked beans.  Which of these could help me open these delicious pain relievers I was huddling over?  Here are some solutions to help you out of a potentially torturous circumstance.

This guy maybe Nerd Central, but he gets the ladies where they want to go at the party.  If you were ever ridiculed for wearing a pocket protector, this is your chance to laugh in the face of a sober, thirsty, Jock.

This guy is absolutely right.  Why do people who are able to do this piss me off?  For the same reason the guy with the guitar playing “Brown Eyed Girl” at the party surrounded by chicks pisses me off.  I could never do this.  I should be able to with my sausage-like fingers.

This is like strong man Origami.  Good for the office at around 2pm when you are most ready to commit suicide.  Just grab some copy paper and enjoy.  The paper could also be formed into a small baton to club your boss to death with.

The best part of this video is the excellent choice in footwear for operating a chainsaw.  If shower slippers can stop you from getting Athletes Foot, they can definitely stop a chainsaw.  This man is the future head of OSHA and Mensa.  But like I said, it’s a desperate situation to be in.

I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing these puppies are real.  Not that I’m against fake bombs, quite the contrary.  But if you’re using a fake one you’re risking some kind of tragic puncture with a D size boob pushed to maximum density.  Either way, you’ll be very popular.

This to me looks like a beer lover trying to mainline the bottle.  Maybe I could get a nozzle hooked up to my arm, like at the Hospital.  Except bottle size.  Then I could just pour the beer into my veins.  Again, I am not a Doctor.

Yes, I called it a desperate situation.  But is it worth thousands of dollars in orthodontic surgery?  I always thought that people who did this still had that part of the brain leftover from our ancestors, Neanderthal-Man.  If no work, bite.  But, while I’m mocking he’s drinking.  So who’s the dummy?  By the way, the Banjo on the wall gives this video a Deliverance-like feel.