Am I just old? Am I being close-minded about this? Do I have a hang up about my anus? Last time I checked, you could still get a decent buzz by drinking liquor and beer with YOUR MOUTH! Is enjoying a cocktail or pint the traditional way so boring that the youth of America needs to take it in another cavity? These kids need to get jobs…or maybe it’s their jobs that are driving them to do this. Who was the first to think, “Hey, this drinking with my mouth thing is ok, but I need to get the alcohol into my blood stream quicker, and bypass all those filtering organs like my LIVER!!! I know! My friends brother who is in a fraternity said he got wicked fucked up by taking a funnel in the ass! I’m not usually prone to sticking things in my ass except my finger. But hey, why not? The Sox are losing and I need to bond with my best friend anyway.” What do you think this guy’s friend said? “Sure I’d love to help you force beer into your anal cavity! I mean, I’m not gay, but I’d do anything to help my bro’ catch a buzz. You have to promise to do me after you’re done squirting beer and feces out of your ass.  And I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to wear this bra while you do it.” Is THIS the NEW THING? Is this what the cool kids are doing? What’s next? Taco Bell coming out with 7 layer burrito anal packs with festively colored applicator tube and extra napkins? Is your life so mundane you have to saturate a tampon in vodka to get a rush? Smirnoff will have the first line of flavored vodka tampons. Maybe a Pap Smirnoff kit so you can get cocked while an OBGYN/Bartender is plopping in a couple of olives?

Well if I’m going to keep up with the latest beverage rage then I guess I should start thinking about what beer I would want forced into my ass with a tube. I would probably start with one of my favorites: G. Schneider And Sohn’s Aventinus. A wonderful Wheat Dopplebock Ale brewed by Germans, who at times, can get a little freaky with the ass. It pours a Brown Sugar/Molasses color with a rye colored head. It’s scent is sweet spice and cinnamon. This is the closest you’ll get to drinking pumpkin pie, or shoving one in your anus. The first sip with your mouth brings a raisin and rich spice with malt and a bit of smokiness. As it warms the spiciness really comes out so you may want to wait 5 to 10 minutes before funneling it into your ass to get the full affect. A Carmel taste is also present and it has a fair amount of carbonation so try to keep still as your buddy starts to pour it into your ass. With a 8.2% ABV, you’ll be shitfaced(no pun intended) within minutes if you take it anally. I first had this at Jacob Wirth’s in Boston with the small plate sauerbraten and spatzle. The richness of the brew and the brisket and gravy made it a decadent experience. You may want to include some in your beer bong. Watch out, it’s hot! After that heavy German experience in your ass, you may want to cleanse the palette(or anus) with a Fullers ESB. A beautiful Copper colored Bitter with an eggshell foamy head. You get a great aroma of malt and a hint of spice after pouring(unless your taking it anally) It’s a sweet first sip with hints of grains and a rather tart malty finish. Very drinkable or bongable. Well, any way you take these beers, I’m sure it will be an experience you will want to inject into your life or ass again and again.  What beers would you like to receive in the ass?  Let me know in the comments section below.