The Sanford Affair
I am thoroughly disappointed in the answer to the the “Mystery Of The Missing Governor”.  I was expecting International Intrigue, maybe a drug ring, some nuclear secrets.  Nope.  Just another elected official fooling around on his wife.  I have to give Gov. Mark Sanford(SC) some credit.  He was having an affair with a woman in Argentina.  Or maybe I should give the credit to her?  She must have a magic velvety envelope to hold a spell over a man on another continent.

When I first heard this story I thought, “foreign Terrorists have kidnapped an American Governor and the government is keeping it a secret so the public doesn’t go apeshit.”  Then the whole “Hiking on the Appalachian Trail” story was fed to us by his staff.  Except the Lt. Governor was clueless.  A governor’s job is 24/7.  The governor has to be in touch with someone back home in case there’s an emergency.  Right?  Then I discovered last Friday was National Nude Hiking Day.  Holy crap!  Gov. Sanford was in the woods with nothing but a backpack and hopefully a sock in case it got cold.  If this was the case I wouldn’t care.  So your governor likes to hike naked.  Big deal.  Maybe one day I’ll hit Mt. Wachusett in the buff.  Let the boys get some mountain air.  I bet that feels nice.  I’m also a big proponent of streaking as a form of protest and recreation. 

But the we learned Gov. Sanford arrived in Atlanta on a plane from ARGENTINA!  He said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and take a break after a heated discussions on legislation to accept stimulus money.  So while that money sits in limbo and could be helping people one way or another, you hop a plane to ARGENTINA?  He said he was doing some driving down the coast.  Must be nice.  Hey Obama, I don’t need your stinking immoral stimulus money.  I have plenty of my own to jet off to Buenas Aries to get it on with my South American side action.  I was hoping it was something more “exotic” like the Governor said.  The only people who go to Argentina and don’t tell anyone are Nazis, Bank Robbers, and Cold War informants.  I thought, “Maybe he went down there to meet with former Nazis who were trying to make a come back because the most powerful country in the world elected a non-white as President.  Sanford being from South Carolina, the first to fire on Union troops to start the civil war and last to fly the Confederate flag over their state house, it made sense in my pot addled mind.  Maybe the Argentinians had harbored one of the old Nazi physicists who gave them the means to build a nuclear weapon that could be used to hold an American city hostage until President Obama stepped down.  Or, even better, Sanford was frustrated with the secular direction the government and country is headed.  So, he helped former Nazis develop an army of Zombies they learned to create through horrific experiments done on Jews and Gypsies during World War II.  Sanford would funnel money received from the tobacco lobby to Argentina to arm and train the Zombie army for an invasion of Myrtle Beach on 4th of July Weekend when everybody is drunk.  Then they would infect and conscript to further penetrate the continental United States and cause chaos.  Which would be a distraction so the Chinese, who were secretly involved without Sanford’s knowledge, to slip commando units into the west coast ports. 

I guess I should be thankful it was just another politician who decided to leave his state in a leadership crisis while he went down to the land of the Tango to hook up with his mistress.  On Father’s Day Weekend.  Should of went nude hiking.