I pity the cow who’s going to munching on this stuff.  Is this real?  It looks pretty good….technically.  Fat hairy Farmer stripping down is not good, for viewing or for the hay.  This just proves how hard farmers work.  Eventually all that time in the field is going to make you snap and risk having your junk mangled in farming equipment.  Real or not?  Brilliant or dumb hayseed?  You Make the call.

Apocalyptica is revenge.  Remember those kids who were always lugging their cellos to take lessons from some nerdy music teacher?  Or the kid you made fun of because while you were busy hanging out at Fun And Games trying to catch a buzz he was at piano lessons?  Those kids may not have stayed with their musical social status killer.  Or maybe they did and are now the nerdy music teacher giving lessons to some geek.  But they are all taking comfort in the fact that a few of their fellow band camp nerds have become Rock Stars and the target of Gothy, fish- netted groupies.

That was the scene last night on stage at Royale(formerly The Roxy) in Boston as Apocalyptica showed the crowd how to rock using 3 cellos and a drummer.  That was it.  No back up guitar, no bass, just cellos and Viking attitudes.  Each member seemed to represent a different attitude.  Eicca Toppinen in “Black Album” era James Hettfield garb flailing his blond mane.  Paavo Lotjonen, who has a 50’s psycho-billy look and was the biggest motivator of crowd participation, hefting his cello in the air with one hand urging the crowd to clap along.  Perttu Kivilaakso is definitely the intense gothy weirdo, with intense concentrated blasts of motion on the fretboard of his cello, one foot on the monitor, sweat flying through the air, and Mikko Siren, the anchor, bashing the drums behind the storm of wailing strings, keeping each string man in line and taking a turn on the Double Bass for the quieter moments.

If you go to concerts or clubs to see bands regularly, you may have been programmed to expect the traditional guitar, bass, drums formation, sometimes with a singer, keyboards, horns.  But seeing only cellos and the wave of sound that comes from the stage is astounding.  The sound Toppinen conjured from his cello with the Wah-Wah pedal during the opener, Metallica’s ”Everywhere I Roam” could never be made with a guitar.  They also tore through “Master Of Puppets”  and “Seek And Destroy”.  Paying appropriate homage to the band that inspired them to go beyond the classical realm.  For those songs the crowd became the vocalists.  Former Leningrad Cowboys vocalist TipeJohnson handled vocal duties for the current single “End Of Me” and the hit “I Don’t Care”.  He was especially powerful for “I’m Not Jesus”, originally sung by Corey Taylor from the previous album “Worlds Collide”.   One of the people I was with suggested his vocals would be perfect for a cover of “Bezerker” by Love Among Freaks from the “Clerks” soundtrack.

They ramped down the intensity in the middle of the set with two quiet instrumentals from the new album “7th Symphony”.  The first was simply called “Beautiful” and it was just that.  Siren stepped out from behind the kit to play the double bass as the 3 others layered melodies that immediately hushed the crowd.  The second was called “Sacra” and reminded me of the music that accompanied the Vampire classic “Nosferatu”.  It was dark and made a bit tribal by Siren switching to a small tympani. 

All the while throngs of Gothy girls in fishnets, rubber, and Victorian garb reached toward the stage in wanting.  Somewhere a band camp nerd felt a tickle of hope in their stomach and caught a whiff of sweet revenge.

p.s. All these Finnish names made this blog look like a bloody mess after hitting spell-check.

Every year at The State Fair Of Texas they push the heavily battered envelope of deep fried goodness with an array of wonderful(and sometimes frightening) deep fried experiments.  There have been Deep fried Twinkies, Snickers, cheeseburgers, Coca-Cola, and even Pig’s feet.  But the item that immediately caught my cholesteric eye was the FRIED BEER!!!  HOLY SHIT!!! FRIED FUCKIN’ BEER!!!

There have been other experiments involving beer in batter but I think this is the first time the beer is left to stand alone.  In this case in a pretzel pocket deep fried until golden brown.  Oh, sweet honey in the rock!  They do not mention what kind of beer is used so there would have to be more experimentation….at my house.   I would love to use Dogfish head Forte and drizzle raspberry cream over it.  Maybe a Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin Ale sprinkled with cinnamon.  The possibilities are endless….and deadly. 

 Mark Zabel, the frickin’ genius who created this culinary gem should have a holiday named after him.  Below is the CBS news report.

Some mash-ups can go terribly wrong, but this one kicks ass.  Thanks to our Virgin Video Guy Razmig for turning me on to this.  You may think it’s sacrilege to alter “Voodoo Chile(Slight return)”.  That’s too bad….because this is pretty sweet.  I’m sure if Jimi was alive he could relate.

China has recently become the 2nd biggest economy in the world.  Add our massive debt to the Great Red Dragon and they will soon be kicking Capitalist Ass with their pseudo Marxist Nike wearing foot.  They will then rewrite history as they are prone to do.  Seeing as China denounces all forms of Royalty they will start with bringing down the legend of the King Of Pop who shared a penchant for opiates and younger companionship just like the Great leader, Mao.  “Thriller” will be renamed “Super-Exciting Boom Boom!” and the song “Beat It” will become an anthem of the Great Workers Of The People’s Republic which they will listen to while they make baseball hats for obese Americans.

We always say that when we see someone speeding through a red light or weaving in and out of traffic at 120 mph. You know what really grinds my beans? When assholes drive in the breakdown lane. I always wonder, “Where are the cops?” They’re busy pulling me over for a busted headlight. Well, in the video below, the officer was right at the scene. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much of the asshole driver left to ticket. I call it Road Rage Karma.

The Colbert Report	Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Fox News and Republican Party Make It Official
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election Fox News

Let me first say, I am not a fan of Justin Beiber.  I’m not going to say “he sucks” because he is obviously very good at what he does and works very hard at it with great success.  Sure, it’s weird that 30-40 year old women think he’s hot.  But these are also the same women who are obsessed with Vampire 90210 stuff like the “Twilight” movies because their mid-life crisis has moved beyond feeling nostalgic about high school into entertaining thoughts of trolling the local food court for a kid with the same haircut as Robert Pattinson. 

Justin Beiber is continuing the tradition of Teen-Idols like The New Kids On The Block, David Cassidy, Donnie Osmond, and Ricky Nelson(father of Hair Band Idols Nelson).  That’s great! He will either blossom into a musical genius like Billy Mumy or a hot schizophrenic mess like Brittany Spears.  Even though Beiber has a few big hits none have grabbed me like “MMMBop” by Hanson. 

But the folks at Gawker have taken Beiber’s latest hit “U Smile” and slowed it down 800%.  It’s a total mind massage.  When played at this Glacier slow pace it becomes a  mammoth aural landscape.  The kind of music Vikings would play while burying their dead comrades.  It’s the music you would hear when The Lady Of The Lake hands you Excalibur.  It’s the music you hear in those first few seconds when your space helmet accidentally pops off during a space walk.  It was the music playing during the formation of the Galaxy.  Gawker writer Max Read has stretched this Jolly Rancher of a song into a 30 minute long pour of warm molasses.

As I sit and listen to it(sober), it hit me that this is actually the way it sounds to Beiber.  I believe he is an some Cosmic being whose giant energy mass like form is disguised in a cutsey teen shell.  His speech is actually sped up so humans can easily digest some kind of subliminal messages.  He or it, is sonically molding the minds of Tweens, Teenagers, and Lonely Women.  I’m not sure what the results will be, but as I listen to the slowed version below, I can feel the layers of sound slowly tearing away at the spot Katy Perry and Hannah Montana started working on earlier.  I welcome the Alien visitors with open arms…as long as they keep sending a steady stream of these slabs of sound to my mind.  I’m going to slow down some Taylor Swift and take some Halcyon.

J. BIEBZ – U SMILE 800% SLOWER by Shamantis

Here’s the Original version for your puny human minds:

Remember, playing with fire can be dangerous. Make sure there’s a parent or Black Metal Christian Hating Pyromaniac around to make sure no one gets hurt. That way, you can have fun paying tribute to Satan, or Odin, or any member of your favorite Kvlt band that has feasted on the flesh of his former singer.