I believe this is further proof the Westboro Baptist Church is really a performance art project by a German Futurist Group parodying the American Religious Right.  So far, they’re doing a great job.

..because it’s December 23rd.  That means it’s “Festivus For The Rest Of Us!”  Who knew that the creation of a television comedy writer could actually stick and become part of a culture. (Well, maybe “Whacking Day” from The Simpsons and “Mom always said don’t play ball in the house” from The Brady Bunch)

The pressure is high every year to deliver for The Holidays.  Bigger and better than the previous year.  The last thing we want is the Wife, Child, or Girlfriend to be disappointed.  It shouldn’t have to be like that!  The Holidays should be fun!  And what is more fun than wrestling the head of the household as part of the “Feats Of Strength” portion of Festivus?  You know it would be great to pin your father In law with some kind of scissor leg hold in front of that whole side of the family and declare, “Festivus Is Over!”  I dream about Hallmark moments like that. 

What about replacing that fucking fire hazard of a Christmas tree with a Festivus Pole?  No more breaking out the ornaments and untangling the lights.  Just the pure simplicity of telling our consumer culture to “Suck It” for the Holidays.  Suck The Festivus Pole Neiman Marcus!

Of course “The Airing Of Grievances” is my favorite part of the Festivus tradition.  Letting your cousin know his drug habit is bring down the family or telling your Mom to “fuck off” because she drove away the woman you wanted to marry are, to me, what the Holidays should be about.  Feel free to join us and Air your Grievances in the comment section below.  Start a real Holiday tradition untainted by commercialism.  I’ll start… Hey McDonalds, why is the McRib available only for “a limited time”?  Don’t you know if you made it available year round you would be able to assemble an Army Of The Golden Arches with the Zealots who worship that sandwich?  Then your plan to install Ronald McDonald as Supreme Leader Of The Confederacy Of McRib States would become a reality much sooner. 

Just want to wish you a Merry Christmas or whatever Holiday you decide to celebrate this year.
Happy Holidays from DANIELS on Vimeo.

“Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death!”

I believe the above phrase came from the Dead Kennedys. It was the title of their “Best Of” compilation and a play on the proclamation, “Give me liberty or give me death” by Revolutionary Patrick Henry.  The  Dead Kennedys were making a comment on American consumerism.  Instead of exploring their whole discography you could take the easier option and just get their best on one record.  Maybe they were implying that consumers were lazy when it came to their entertainment.  Or maybe they only had one album’s worth of good songs?

I love convenience!  It’s the greatest!  One stop shopping, on the way home, at the drive through, without having to stop and most of all, think, is the way to go.  In that sense America is the World Leader of Convenience.

The State Of Pennsylvania is allowing Walmart to put Wine vending machines in some of their stores.  I love it! Roll in, grab some underwear, a microwave, a can of Easy Cheese, and a jug of Cabernet.  Shit yeah life is good!  All you’ll need to do is swipe your license to prove you’re legal, blow into a breathalyzer to prove you haven’t been over served, and look directly into a security camera so the Asst. Manager can visually confirm you’re not a derelict.  Seems like alot of work just to have a little vino with your prepared Walmeal.  You could just go to the liquor store right?  But the fucking convenience is undeniable!

Then I remembered Walmart is also teaming up with Homeland Security for the “See Something, Say Something” program.  This program encourages Americans to report suspicious activity to the authorities.  It’s a campaign that’s being used at airports, bus terminals, and train stations.  While you’re at the check out with your garden hose and training bra, you will be able to see a video with our Homeland Security director, Janet Napolitano, telling Walmart shoppers to be vigilant.  You know what this means?  Terrorists love convenience too!  And wine! The Homeland Security folks must have some serious intelligence about Walmart to spend this kind of dough.

If Ayman al-Zawahiri walks into a Walmart to buy a car battery and some guns he will most likely also buy wine to cover the fact that he is a Fundamentalist Muslim and considers alcohol evil.  After he swipes, blows, and stares, Walmart will have a lock on his illegal license, a DNA sample, and a full on mug shot of al-Qaeda’s number 2 guy.  Homeland security uses convenience to fight terror! Ok, maybe I’m overreacting?  The few times I’ve been to Walmart, I’ve never seen any sketchy people. Have you?  I would definitely report morbidly obese women buying tube tops.  That just hurts America.

Or maybe Homeland security wants to collect all that information about the kind of people that buy wine at Walmart?  Or they know Walmart is the world’s largest retailer and half of America shops there.  Maybe half of those people will buy their wine there.  That’s a quick little database.  Maybe Walmart is working with Homeland Security so they can have a little more leeway with their business partner and current owner of America’s debt, China?  Maybe if this wine vending system is a success it will be used for all alcohol purchases…and cigarettes..and pharmaceuticals?  That would be an even bigger database of license info, DNA, and facial recognition.  Maybe this is part of a bigger plan for Walmart to become the company store, you know, like in the old mining towns?  You get your paycheck and then give your money back to the company at their store buying clothes, food, and other essentials…like wine?

Or, maybe I’m just paranoid and Janet Napolitano is just setting the stage for her retirement from protecting America and entry into the world of fashion with her own clothing line, “Big Sister’s Casual Wear”.  Available exclusively at Wamart.

Yup, the year is almost over. And you just got over the hangover from LAST New Years Eve!

It’s that time when people start making lists… Best album of the year, best song of the year, best video… and so on. And instead of giving you my list, I want yours!

It’s open to anything…

Best album of the year!

Favorite song of the year (please add studip, drunken memory associated with the song, so we can all laugh at you)

Best concert of the year.

Hottest girl!

Best sports moment!

You get the idea…

C’mon lets hear it!

Should now infamous Wiki-leaker Bradley Manning be the first person executed for treason in this country since the 1940’s?  I think you can make a strong case to hang him in public if, as many experts predict, his actions will lead to the deaths of US soldiers fighting in Afghanistan and around the world?

The mood in the country currently could be described as “nutless” when it comes to the death penalty, so I highly doubt Private Manning will ever face that fate, however, it was just 57 years ago, during wartime, when the US was willing to execute the Rosenbergs, civilians who were trying to sell the Atomic Bomb secret to the Russians.
Doubtless there are those who would raise a major stink, if a hanging was in the offing.  The Courage to Resist Fund has already raised $90,000 for Manning’s defense.  Can you believe there are people in this economy who are actually willing to give their hard earned cash to traitor who handed our secrets over to the World?

If there is a single US death that can be tied to Manning’s treasonous actions, then I think he should be made an example.  We have learned that times are different, that 400,000 Government employees have access to the information he shared with Wikileaks, and that the information can travel around the world, to our enemies, in a second.  52 years in prison does seem quite enough for a guy who was willing to sell his fellow soldiers out with the click of a mouse.

If you ask yourself what George Washington would have done, I think you will have the answer.

This is what Corey Taylor does on his day off.  Write Christmas Anthems. This Holiday Nugget is called X-M@$.  In a recent interview the Slipknot/Stone Sour frontman said he’s had this song kicking around for a few years:

“I wrote this song in my kitchen one winter, listening to people bitch about the holidays.  Personally, I love the holidays, but they seem to bring on severe stress in most people. So, I wrote this in honor of crotchety, drunken bastards who don’t know the difference between a yuletide and a toolshed. Plus, I think it’s funny.”

Fans will be able to pick up the single from all leading digital retailers, including iTunes, Amazon and Play.com.

This guy has mad Holiday skills:

Unfortunately the title of this blog is misleading.  But it did get your attention.  Better than a title like “Celebrities Sacrifice Digital Self Promotion For World AIDS Day”  There are some celebrities we would like to see or hear more of not less.

Today(12/1/10) is not only the first day of Hanukkah but it’s also World AIDS Day.  Some of America’s biggest celebrities are staging their own “Digital Death” to raise money for the organization Keep A Child Alive.  People like Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Ryan “Fuckin’” Seacrest, and many others will deprive the loving on-line public of their presence until 1 million dollars is raised.  I don’t think I could last a day without getting an update on what make- up photo shoot Kim Kardashian is dieting for today. 

While I’m glad these Icons of celebrity culture are trying to bring attention to World AIDS Day, I think by intentionally not utilizing a media tool that is made to quickly disseminate information is a misguided move.  Don’t get me wrong, I hope they raise the 1 million dollars.  According to a UNAIDS report over 60 million are infected and approximately 25 million have died.  Over three quarters of these deaths have occurred in Africa.  That’s where Keep A Child Alive is directing it’s aid.  The Centers For Disease control has classified it as a Pandemic.  So keeping silent on social media networks that have billions of followers does not make sense to me.

Maybe Lady Gaga could offer a private show for donors in a small night club.  The organizer of this event, Alicia Keyes, streamed a concert on YouTube to raise money last year.  Ryan “Fuckin’” Seacrest just signed a $60 million deal with Clear Channel which he can add to the $30 million he’s already making from American Idol.  Maybe he can just toss a quick million to Keep A Child Alive so we won’t be deprived of Usher’s latest tweets any longer?

May I suggest Kim Kardashian use her most valuable asset, her incredibly hot body, to help out.  Purely for selfish reasons, I’m thinking a POV blow job video for an outrageous donation.  I’d take out a second mortgage to buy one.  My wife might not like it but it’s for a good cause.  A more feasible plan would be for her to retract her vow of never posing nude and do some kind of spread to raise a little cash.  I’ll buy 4. 

When the AIDS virus starting attracting attention in the early eighties the U.S. government refused to recognize it as a problem.  Mostly because of the stigma of it being only a gay disease.  But now we know that’s false.  Now we know heterosexuals can get it.  Some have been infected by blood transfusion.  It was the silence of world leaders and doctors that stalled a more immediate response a couple of decades ago.  Now that everyone, not just celebrities, have some kind of access to reaching dozens, hundreds, or in Lady Gaga’s case, millions, we should be more vocal not less.